Divorce Insights for Sanity, Insanity, DV/Abuse and more - POTU
I need to write a book or two containing several separate chapters on this topic, including how to assess if a relationship/marriage can be saved,
The DV/Abuse section requires its own book.
I am writing this in the middle of the COVID-19 epidemic. My career in IT means I am 'essential.' Ah...imagine being a writer forced to be paid to be quarantined at home! No such luck. I am honored to have meaningful work serving all the agencies of the state I live in. Many people are hurting right now. I count my blessings daily.
I had a dear online friend advise me they were getting a divorce. It breaks my heart whenever I get that news. I never know if Domestic Violence is involved or not. Over the years, I have had friends cycle through those 'battles.' I have given suggestions and recommended resources privately. I was inspired to hammer out an outline that may be helpful.
Someday I will write an extensive strategy guide for those leaving domestic violence and abuse situations. I learned a lot about that topic during my 'time of service'; during a relationship that broke my heart and spirit in many ways. I can finally write about some of what I have learned. I know too much about that topic from experience as well as observation. I do have unfinished relationship work, too.
Sections to this article: (Clicking on the purple items should jump you to those sections.)
Nothing here is legal, financial, or psychological advice. These are the opinions of the author based on his personal life experience. You should seek geographically local, licensed professional advice and counsel regarding any idea inspired by anything you read here. You are personally responsible for the decisions you make in your life. By reading further, you agree to hold the author harmless from any liability related to anything directly or indirectly written about and the decisions and or actions you decide to make or not make.
Ultimately, you are responsible for your decisions; by reading further, you acknowledge that you are taking total responsibility for your life decisions on this topic and will not attempt to legally entangle the author in the future related to anything you read here.
The Pro Se' legal training resource link is an affiliate link. If you purchase through that link, you help defray the costs of hosting this content. I have hosted this site for years and have yet to break even. This site is about being of service; someday, it would be nice if the costs were self-sustaining.
1 - DV (Domestic Violence)/Abuse - Resources
There are no easy answers. There are approaches that nobody is doing. Sadly, mainly women (and men) are clueless about properly ending a DV/abusive relationship.
Note to Affluent Abuser
You are the primary target of a 4 billion dollar a year Industry that plays your need for power and control against you for epic profits. You are being played. You are the target, the 'fool', the 'shmuck', the 'patsy' of a very sophisticated industry.
Using the legal process to punish, control, and abuse your victims makes you the greater fool. You can be better than this. It is time to stop the cycle. That requires real courage and leadership. You cannot undo the harm of the past. You may have crossed lines that cannot be uncrossed. You have the power to create a new path forward. Some of you may be able to heal the harm caused, maybe even the relationships. Your honor is your own. It is time to stop perpetuating the abuse and be honorable moving forward. You certainly don't want to be a sucker to an industry that exploits and financially victimizes you. If when you win, you lose, and you will always know it.
Too many make dangerous assumptions as to what their legal rights are and are not, and they do not know how legally vulnerable they are. They do not know what evidence is and is not in their local geography. Most discover their children become weapons of control and tools of punishment through the legal system. There is a $4 +/- billion dollar a year industry in the USA that profits from keeping families cycling in abuse through the empowerment of the abusers.
There are around 400+ pieces of legal precedent cases that an abusive '"loser," even an "in jail" husband with a cheap lawyer, can successfully use to get custody of children. If you can prove abuse, incest, etc., surprise, the law is not in your favor. Nuts? Yes. Real, sadly, yes. Sometimes the abuser is a woman; generally, it is not.
Some men are quick to ask, 'BUT what about abusive women?' Good point, abuse is abuse regardless of gender, and it doesn't change anything I am saying about the legalities in place that favor abusers.
Having said that, I will tell my fellow man to please grow a pair and face the facts of his bullshit attempt to redirect attention from the statistical majority of abuse by men against women. Sorry, it is what it is. Having said that, abuse is abuse, and I have met men who are survivors of Domestic Violence and Abuse. Abusers are often survivors themselves. DV is like a disease that infects us all.
Yes, some women lie about rape and abuse; because of that % that happens, it takes away from the reality of the majority who navigate this. That % has empowered smart affluent abusers to dominate in our courts. The last time I looked, somewhere between 93 to 95% of women DO NOT lie about this topic. That sucks because we cannot know who the 5 to 7% who do lie is. That doesn't sound like much until you run the numbers. The bottom line is the reality that anyone, any family living in Domestic Violence and Abuse, especially if there are children involved, has no idea what they are facing until it is too late.
I have met some of those women. It honestly creeps me out to know the reality of that. These women rely on #MeToo and #BelieveHer those willing to win at any cost have weaponized defamation against men. In our real world - once accused, forever guilty is how we function. We can and must do better. POTU Life Navigational principles are my approach to navigating these disasters. We have to be willing and open to change our approach.
The last time I looked at the statistical data, there were over 58,000 children who were forced 'by law' to stay with the abusive parent. It is part of a $4 billion annual industry that profits by keeping children in danger. There are over 400 pieces of case law for a smart abuser and their legal counsel to use against a mom. It defies logic and reason until you understand it is an industry. Two to three thousand children a year die at the hands of their abusive parent. Please, do your research independently of me or anyone else to understand what you are facing so you can plan accordingly. Please research the information and articles created by the 'Leadership Counsel.' These situations will challenge everything you think you know about the law, justice, and family courts. Nothing makes sense until you realize it is a money machine that makes money by keeping the abuses happening.
I've met 'Pretty predators.' You'd never know by looking at or talking to them. I need to write my book about the 'DV Virus' and how we as a species need to work on putting an end to it. I have learned to accept that all human beings are infected and have been exposed to Domestic Violence and Abuse. I expect my fellow human beings to desire to break the cycles of abuse; even if they are abusers today, they can choose not to be from this moment forward. If that is impossible for them, they can choose to seek help and put an end to harming others. This is being loyal to principle as one's life choice and priority.
We have to be mindful of unpleasant realities. This is about exposing the hidden and unsaid for healing and bringing an end to the systemic rapes and abuses. If those moments are only about justice or revenge, then we are empowering another group of abusers; that, too, is totally unacceptable. We have to be willing to break these systemic cycles of abuse.
Abuse and violence are the systemic pandemics of our species. Abuse and violence are so accepted we have embedded them into some of our religious systems to normalize, justify, and perpetuate them. We each have a 'Mind Game' to break free of. Seek out POTU David Author's training on 'Breaking Free of the Mind Game.'
Regardless, suppose you are living with a predator/abuser. In that case, you probably are clueless about the pandora's box of punishment you may be unleashing into your life the moment you file for divorce/break up if you do not fully understand that 'box' and how to open it properly. This section is a warning that leads you to the best resource I know of to understand the traps lying in wait for you.
Hopefully, you will read this and explore those resources before opening that box and springing that trap to prepare for what you may deal with that fully is stunningly beyond any sense of logic and reason. Totally absurd, 'unbelievable,' and yet, totally real and true.
You need to understand this before your abusive partner becomes wise to your intentions or understands what tools are legally available to them.
The Leadership Council (Please Dig Into Their Content)
If you have dealt with any aspects of Domestic Violence and expect your ex to 'fight,' you may need to pause and think through what comes next strategically.
If anything here rings true, I suggest you review the work of the leadership council. An entire industry profits from keeping children in harm's way by keeping kids in the custody of abusers. Ideally, you will understand this industry and your options before your spouse even know you have begun working on ending the relationship.
The legalities of divorce can be expensive and a powerful tool for recurring abuse and control. Your ex would have to be affluent to use 'the law' that way; there are many smart, affluent predators out there for which their obsessions, need to control, and other undiagnosed mental illnesses empowered by money simply have no limits.
2 - A NASTY NOTE ABOUT LAWYERS
Good ones are expensive. 'Law' requires a lot of work and a lot of money. Do some research before hiring a lawyer.
Understand what you are getting into and the costs before you begin.
If there is going to be a 'fight,'; expect the deposit, aka retainer, to at least be $1,000 (ok, let's get real, $5,000 to $10,000. Your final bill will most likely be between $25,000 and $50,000, depending on your spouse's financial resources. There are no limits here. A $250,00o per side fight is not uncommon, and neither are millions or tens of millions for high-profile conflicts. Ego is expensive, and lawyers ramp up their clients to maximum pain and financial capacity.
If you are not wealthy, but your spouse is? Always know that whoever is actually 'paying the bills' most likely will be getting the best representation. An affluent spouse 'buying' their ex's lawyer is not uncommon. Illegal? Yes. Unethical? Yes. Able to prove? Almost impossible. Happens a lot? All the f'n time. Can I prove it? Nope.
Most lawyers will get caught up in 1 (one, just one) legal mission, whereby they go against their training and advice. They become personally motivated to help their client because of their situation. It is usually a horror story for them. Sadly, your horror story is typical of a family law lawyer. They make big $$ when affluent couples 'go to war!'
One lawyer friend from years ago shared, 'I remember this couple; they spent six months fighting over their daughter...(wait for the punch line...) their dead daughter's ashes. They were fighting over the visitation rights of ashes! God, we made a lot of money off from them!'
Many family law lawyers will ramp up emotions to exploit conflict. Custody battles are large profit centers for them and a Rolodex of 'professionals' and experts who profit from the conflict. There is an industry to keep children in conflict and abuse to exploit the desire to 'protect' the children.
Be aware that lawyers, by default, will approach things with 'conflict,' and they represent 'you.' Which is nice and good, accept, by default, if they can get away with fucking your ex legally or getting away with something that fucks them, they will do it, they will embed it, they will 'sneak it in,' and they will be proud of it.
Not only that, they often will believe they are doing the right thing, even if you ask them not to do anything like that. There are proper places for the use of lawyers. There are also nice and honorable lawyers out there. Unless you understand the law, and the legal process yourself, you are at the mercy of hoping and guessing.
Nobody should hire a lawyer without being a Pro Se' first. It is too late when you've figured out your lawyer has screwed you. You can't afford to make mistakes when it comes to legal matters. Errors and Omission insurance and reporting to the bar? - the odds of anything meaningful happening is almost zero. Legal services? Lazy-assed lawyers who sit around acting like a referral service giving half-assed advice to the ignorant. The good news is...if you are a trained Pro Se' - you can work through their lazy asses to be effective. Seriously, what do you expect for under $30/mo? Yes, you should have at least one service to get questions answered.
A good lawyer can protect you. The odds of finding one if you are not wealthy is almost impossible unless they are a family member, and even then (laugh), you need to end your ignorance. The good news is that it is easy to do. Even wealthy people are targeted if they are ignorant.
Any Lawyer can make an already tense situation 100 times worse just by being a lawyer, thinking, and acting like a typical lawyer. Ignorance leads to being abused by yet an entire predatory system of abusers who profit off from your ignorance. For the love of whatever you hold dear and holy, you must get some basic legal training. If you do nothing else today, no matter how you get this training, this will save you thousands of dollars, perhaps tens or hundreds of thousands. More importantly, you'll know what it takes to be effective and to win even when facing a dishonorable situation. You need real training, not free shit on social media or related sites. You literally do not have the time to waste either.
3 - Legal Training I recommend (as it applies to #1, #2, and more)
Below is a link to the 'Pro Se' Legal training I went through years ago. It has saved me a lot of money, stress, and time dealing with legal issues, as well as empowering me to help to point friends and family in the right direction.
The legal issues that come to mind range from debts, collections, foreclosures, traffic violations, being a witness, and being a friend to a family navigating a DV/Abuse legal issue. Understanding the legal process, language, and documents have been very empowering. Knowing how this game is played is also an asset. As I revise this (August 2022), I am thinking of a $1,000 settlement I accepted that would not have happened had I relied on a 'Legal Service' lawyer, and the issue wasn't worth retaining a lawyer. The lawyer is a partner in one of the largest law firm in the state. I've had to be vigilant every step of the way. They were surprised the opposition 'rolled over'; I wasn't because I knew how to win and why I should win, and I had a winning case already in place before I even contacted the legal service. It was 'easy' for me because I took this training that demystified the law and empowered me.
I have proven and observed that anyone be effective in dealing with any legal issues they face. Law is not rocket science.
Getting up to speed on any individual legal problem does not take long. I went through this training myself and have recommended it for many years for different reasons to friends, family, and clients.
There are a lot of free resources, and there is a never-ending newsletter with little legal 'tips' that are insightful; they will send to you via email. I literally keep them in an email folder for reference. But, you need the training. I do not know how to stress that enough.
I have several legal 'subscriptions,' which I use to get legal questions answered. The knowledge I have received from this training has empowered me to know when I have got excellent vs. lousy advice. I always seem to create a superior strategy than the licensed professionals.
Regarding Domestic Violence/Abuse. I helped a single mom 'fight back' using this knowledge. She could not afford an attorney. Her affluent ex was prepared to spend $50,000 to put her in her place and teach her a lesson. The last I heard, it cost him over $150,000; he fell prey to a strategy I outlined. He legally 'won' but lost. The Leadership Council research I did, helped me create a fail-safe strategy that worked and, I believe, saved a child's life. I didn't hate the guy. The abuser was himself a survivor of abuse and violence throughout his life.
It is a long, sad, heartbreaking story. I share bits and pieces of that story that may inspire and serve others. I was subjected to gaslighting, legal, and other abuses while recovering from a concussion/TBI. I understand how these family law issues can break your heart, faith, and spirit. I know what it is to be subjected to a 'pretty predator'; who was simply being a human being perpetuating the abuse she experienced throughout her life.
That $150,000+ cost to the abuser only cost the mom, defending herself, about $1,200, and as I recall, most of her court fees could be waived through ex parte'. I do not remember if she did that or not.
I had a friend that legally challenged a foreclosure against her home. After 5+ years and thousands of dollars of 'deferred' court costs...she had all of those costs waived via what is called ex parte' after the court cases ended. Most people think they can't 'fight back' because they cannot afford the various court fees. Almost always, those fees can be deferred and eventually waived. Even homeless people can defend themselves legally in the USA.
Most US Citizens do not know that this legal system was designed to be used by them without a lawyer. Here is the link to the course that will teach you how your legal system works and how to WIN, which is not a joke.
It also shows you how and why court cases are winners or losers, the truth about lawyers, judges, corrupt judges, and how to deal with all that baloney. (Opens to a new tab.)
4 - Getting a Divorce without using a Lawyer (or going to war)
I also know that if both people in a divorce are 'willing' and 'reasonable,' they can work through the elements of an honorable divorce without a 'fight.'
I went through a legal divorce decades ago. The process was simple. For about five weeks, my wife and I met for dinner weekly to discuss the details of our divorce. Once we were both satisfied with the details, we turned the information over to a paralegal to prepare the legal paperwork. It was simple.
We saved a lot of money and created a fair and honest divorce that worked for us. We held a context that resulted in a successful co-parenting relationship. It is now 20 years later, we have mutual respect and friendship, and our children are adults. My former wife is remarried, and I am in a new relationship.
Over the years, we have cheered each other on and have attended many 'extended family' events. It is not awkward. We grew up in our ways. We did not know what we did not know. I can honestly say, my ex is someone I trust; she trusted me, and I trusted her when neither of us had any reason to. We helped each other during times of crisis, even after we divorced.
I know that is not possible in all situations. I mention it because sometimes, knowing it is possible can make it possible.
Our context was not about our legal 'rights.' Life is more dynamic and interesting than that. I gave up things I was legally 'entitled' to. The context I created and adopted is one that I have taught and shared, which is a simple one.
Create a process based on ensuring that both people succeed moving forward. Simple. It wasn't about winning or 'rights.' It was about doing what was right by everyone. What transpired between us changed depending on what was happening while raising our children. We did not need a judge's approval or any court dates. We adapted to our lives. We took care of each other, even when it was not 'required' or 'expected.'
Thinking back, the guiding principle was 'The Golden Rule' i.e. 'Do onto others as you would have others do onto you.' We had our reasons to blame each other for certain things. We had reasons to blame ourselves. My sense? In time we realized we did not know what we did not know. We were both human beings being human beings. Add ignorance, wrong information, and adverse childhood experiences, and we were clueless adults doing the best we knew how.
I can still point to a critical event in that relationship that destroyed my 'willingness.' But, it was not my wife's fault. I held onto that event for years until I could understand and accept her humanity and my own. As I write this, I am 55 (updated at age 58 - laugh). It was not until I was about 46 years old that I was mentally, emotionally, and spiritually and had enough life experience to be an 'excellent' partner.
You don't know any of that when you are 10, 14, 16, 19, 22, 26, 33, etc. We are taught many things, many beliefs, and we for many rules and things that are not real. Often we do not have boundaries that we should have, or we have limits that are illusions. We live within our primal responses because we have never been taught relationship or communication skills.
We do not know what we do not understand until it is too late; we gain wisdom through loss, pain, and failure. We often pay a dreadful price for our wisdom.
5 - Can My Relationship Be Saved?
Yes! No! Maybe! - if you are both 'willing,' the answer is yes. Willing means a lot of things.
Willing to learn new skills. Willing to own what belongs to you and heal the harm you may have caused, regardless of intentions. Willing to accept and forgive the humanity of the other and yourself. Willing to establish and respect new boundaries. Willing to heal the wounds of childhood. Willing to seek professional help and counsel. Willing to humble yourself and be vulnerable. Willing to make it safe for the truth to be known in your relationship and family.
All that and more - RECIPROCATED; our partner is willing to. If only one of you is 'willing,' no, it will not work out, in my opinion. It will limp along and end in disaster. Hiring a 'non-religious' professional relationship assessment may not be a bad idea, along with a psychological profile of yourself and your partner.
If one of you is a narcissist or sociopath, or both, or other. That is part of the 'willingness' that needs to be faced and addressed. Don't rush 'willingness' and 'reciprocation.' Learn NVC, aka non-violent communication skills.
Perhaps a relationship counselor that is 'Gottman Method' relationship therapy, or similar based on actual research data of 'happy and successful' relationships, NOT religious theories or commands. Why?
Following religious relationship directives/rules/laws written by long-dead old men from thousands of years ago, when women were often viewed as property, could be at least indirectly part of the problems you are experiencing. Sorry, guys. I can't condone you having a 'God orders you to...' crap over your wife in anything I write about.
Statistically speaking, the best of the best religious 1st marriage has a 51 to 52% failure rate in America. Nothing has changed statistically in my 55 years of life and living. Be 'willing' to look at other things with better data and proven track records for working...at least in your marriage.
If there are kids who are not being abused, it is worth going the extra mile. If there are no kids, you both have to ask yourself, is it worth the effort? I do not know. Individual and couples counseling is perhaps an excellent investment regardless of the eventual outcome.
For many reasons, we are messed up coming out of our childhood. The odds of our meeting someone who is not 'messed up'; in some way is very, very slim. There is no lack of finding love or sexual partners in the world.
The 'lack' is in finding successful and happy relationships. The one you are in could become that relationship or be a powerful and helpful stepping stone. Regardless, your next steps should be about helping you to 'be' or become the healthy man or woman you need to be who is ready.
You know, ready for that other person who has taken the time, and like you have invested in themselves. They became prepared to 'be,' so the two of you can find, create, and thrive in enjoying that elusive relationship everyone else is seeking...but unwilling to invest in themselves.
I hope this outline of insights and information is of value.
6 - How To Say 'Thank You' to POTU David, Author
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