• POTU David, Author

Divorce Insights for Sanity, Insanity, DV/Abuse and more - POTU


I need to write a book or two containing several separate chapters on this topic, including how to assess if a relationship/marriage can be saved,


The DV/Abuse section requires it's own book.


I am writing this in the middle of the COVID-19 epidemic. My career in IT means I am 'essential.' Ah...imagine being a writer forced to be paid to be quarantined at home! No such luck. I am honored to have meaningful work that serves all the agencies of the State that I live in. Many people are hurting right now. I count my blessings daily.


I had a dear online friend advise me they were getting a divorce. It breaks my heart whenever I get that news. I never know if Domestic Violence is involved or not. Over the years I have had friends cycle through those 'battles.' I have given suggestions and recommended resources privately. I was inspired to hammer out an outline that may be helpful.


Someday I will write an extensive strategy guide for those leaving domestic violence and abuse situations. I learned a lot about that topic during my 'time of service'; during a relationship that ended up breaking my heart and spirit in many ways. I can finally write about some of what I have learned. I know too much on that topic from experience as well as observation. I do have unfinished relationship work, too.


Sections to this article:


Disclaimer


1 - DV (Domestic Violence)/Abuse - Resources

2 - A NOTE ABOUT LAWYERS

3 - Legal Training I recommend (as it applies to #1, #2 and more)

4 - Getting a Divorce without using a Lawyer (or going to war)

5 - Can My Relationship Be Saved?


How To Say 'Thank You' to POTU David, Author

Disclaimer

Nothing here is legal, financial, or psychological advice. These are the opinions of the author based on his personal life experience. You should seek geographically local, licensed professional advice and counsel regarding any idea inspired by anything you read here. You are personally responsible for the decisions you make in your life. By reading further, you agree to hold the author harmless from any and all liability related to anything directly or indirectly written about and the decisions and or actions you decide to make or not make.


Ultimately, you are responsible for your decisions; by reading further you acknowledge that you are taking total responsibility for your life decisions on this topic and will not attempt to legally entangle the author in the future related to anything you read here.

1 - DV (Domestic Violence)/Abuse - Resources


There are no easy answers. There are approaches that nobody is doing. Sadly, mainly women, are clueless as to how to end a DV/abusive relationship properly.


Too many make dangerous assumptions as to what their legal rights are and are not, and they do not know how legally vulnerable they are. They do not know what evidence is, and is not in their local geography. Most discover their children become weapons of control and tools of punishment through the legal system. There is a $4 +/- billion dollar a year industry in the USA that profits from keeping families cycling in abuse through the empowerment of the abusers.


There are around 400+ pieces of legal precedent cases that an abusive '"loser," even "in jail" husband with a cheap lawyer, can successfully use to get custody of children. If you can prove abuse, incest, etc., surprise, the law is not in your favor. Nuts? Yes. Real, sadly, yes. Sometimes the abuser is a woman; generally, it is not.


Some men are quick to ask 'BUT what about abusive women?' Good point, abuse is abuse regardless of gender, and it doesn't change anything I am saying about the legalities in place that favor abusers.


Having said that, I will tell my fellow man, to please grow a pair and face the facts of his bullshit attempt to redirect attention from the statistical majority abuse by men against women. Sorry, it is what it is.


Yes, some women do lie about rape and abuse. The last time I looked, somewhere between 93 to 95% of women DO NOT lie about this topic. That sucks because we have no way of knowing who the 5 to 7% who do lie is.


I have met some of those women. It honestly creeps me out to know the reality of that. These women rely on #MeToo, and #BelieveHer.


Me, I call them 'Pretty predators.' You'd never know by looking at or talking to them. I do need to write my book about the 'DV Virus', and how we as a species need to work on putting an end to it.


We have to be mindful of unpleasant realities. This is about exposing the hidden, and unsaid for the purposes of healing and bringing an end to the systemic rapes and abuses. If those moments are only about justice, or revenge then we are empowering another group of abusers; that too is totally unacceptable.


Most abusers are themselves, survivors of DV/abuse themselves. Abuse is a systemic pandemic of our species. Abuse and violence are so accepted we have embedded it into some of our religious systems to normalize, justify, and perpetuate it.


Regardless, if you are living with a predator/abuser - you probably are clueless as to the pandora's box of punishment you may be unleashing into your life the moment you file for divorce/break up if you do not fully understand that 'box' and how to properly open it. This section is a warning that leads you to the best resource I know of to understanding the traps lying in wait for you.


Hopefully, you will read this and explore those resources before opening that box and springing that trap so that you can fully prepare for what you may deal with that is stunningly beyond any sense of logic and reason. Totally absurd, 'unbelievable,' and yet, totally real and true.


You do need to understand all of this before your abusive partner becomes wise to your intentions, or understands what tools are legally available to them.

The Leadership Council

If you have dealt with any aspects of Domestic Violence; and if you expect your ex to 'fight,' you may need to pause and think through what comes next strategically.


If anything here rings true, my suggestion is that you review the work of the leadership council. There is an entire industry that profits from keeping children in harm's way by keeping kids in the custody of abusers. Ideally, you will understand this industry, and your options before your spouse even know you have begun working on ending the relationship.


http://www.leadershipcouncil.org/1/pas/1.html

The legalities of divorce can be not only expensive but also a powerful tool of recurring abuse and control. Your ex would have to be affluent to use 'the law' that way.

2 - A NOTE ABOUT LAWYERS


Good ones are expensive. 'Law' requires a lot of work and a lot of money. Do some research before hiring a lawyer. Get an understanding of what you are getting into and what the costs are.

If there is going to be a 'fight'; expect the deposit, aka retainer to at least be $1,000 (ok, let's get real, $5,000 to $10,000. Your final bill will most likely be between $25,000 and $50,000, depending on the financial resources of your spouse.


If your not wealthy, but your spouse is? Always know, whoever is actually 'paying the bills,' most likely will be getting the best representation. An affluent spouse 'buying' their ex's lawyer, not at all uncommon. Illegal? Yes. Unethical? Yes. Able to prove? Almost impossible. Happens a lot? All the f'n time. Can I prove it? Nope.


Most lawyers will get caught up in 1 (one, just one,) legal mission, whereby they go against their training, and advice. They become personally motivated to help their client because of their client's situation. It is usually a horror story for them. Sadly, your horror story is typical to a family law lawyer. They make big $$ when affluent couples 'go to war!'


One lawyer friend of mine from years ago shared, 'I remember this one couple, they spent six months fighting over their daughter...(wait for the punch line...) their dead daughter's ashes. They were fighting over visitation rights of ashes! God, we made a lot of money off from them!'


Many family law lawyers will ramp up emotions to exploit conflict. Custody battles are large profit centers not only for them but a Rolodex of 'professionals' and experts, who profit from the conflict.


Be aware that lawyers, by default, will approach things with 'conflict,' and they represent 'you.' Which is nice and good, accept, by default, if they can get away with fucking your ex legally, or getting away with something that fucks them, they will do it, they will embed it, they will 'sneak it in,' and they will be proud of it.


Not only that, they often will believe they are doing the right thing, even if you ask them not to do anything like that. There are right and proper places for the use of lawyers. There are also nice and honorable lawyers out there. Unless you understand the law, and the legal process yourself, you are pretty much at the mercy of hoping and guessing.


A good lawyer can protect you. Any Lawyer can make an already tense situation 100 times worse, just by being a lawyer, thinking, and acting like a typical lawyer.

3 - Legal Training I recommend (as it applies to #1, #2 and more)


Below is a link to 'Pro Se' Legal training that I went through years ago. It has saved me a lot of money, stress, and time dealing with legal issues as well as empowering me to help to point friends and family in the right direction.

The legal issues that come to mind range from debts, collections, foreclosures, traffic violations, being a witness and being a friend to a family navigating a DV/Abuse legal issue. Understanding the legal process, language, documents, has been very empowering. Knowing how this game is played is also an asset.


I have personally proven and observed that anyone be effective in dealing with any legal issues they are facing.


It does not take long to get up to speed on any individual legal problem. I went through this training myself and have recommended it for many years for different reasons to friends, family, and clients.


There are a lot of free resources, and there is a never-ending newsletter with little legal 'tips' that are insightful; they will send you via email. I literally keep them in an email folder for reference.


I have several legal 'subscriptions,' which I use to get legal questions answered. The knowledge I have received from this training has empowered me to know when I have got excellent vs. lousy advice. I have several times created a superior strategy than the licensed professionals 'advised me' to do.


Regarding Domestic Violence/Abuse. I helped a single mom 'fight back,' using this knowledge. She could not afford an attorney. Her affluent ex was prepared to spend $50,000 to put her in her place and teach her a lesson. The last I heard, it cost him over $150,000; and he fell prey to a strategy I outlined. He legally 'won,' but lost. The Leadership Council research I did, helped me created a fail-safe strategy that eventually worked.


I believed the approach saved a young woman's life. It is a long, sad, heartbreaking story. I share bits and pieces of that story that may be of inspiration and service to others. I was subjected to gaslighting, legal and other abuses while recovering from a concussion/TBI. I uniquely understand how these family law issues can break not only your heart but also your faith and spirit.


That $150,000+ cost to the abuser, only cost the mom, defending herself about $1,200, and as I recall most of her court fees could be waived through ex parte', I do not remember if she did that or not.


I had a friend that legally challenged a foreclosure against her home. After 5+ years and thousands of dollars of 'deferred' court cost...she had all of those costs waived via what is called ex parte' after the court cases ended. Most people think they can't 'fight back' because they cannot afford the various court fees. Almost always, those fees can be deferred and eventually waived. Even a homeless person can defend themselves legally in the USA.


Most US Citizens do not know, this legal system was designed to be used by them, without a lawyer. Here is the link to the course that will teach you not only how your legal system works but also how to WIN, and that is not a joke.


It also shows you how and why court cases are winners or losers and the truth about lawyers, judges, corrupt judges, and how to deal with all of that baloney.

https://teamdand.com/winincourt

4 - Getting a Divorce without using a Lawyer (or going to war)


I also know that if both people in a divorce are 'willing' and 'reasonable,' they can work through the elements of an honorable divorce without a 'fight.'

I went through a legal divorce decades ago. The process was simple. My wife and I met for dinner once a week for about five weeks to work out the details of our divorce. Once we were both satisfied with the details, we turned the information over to a paralegal to prepare the legal paperwork. It was simple.

We saved a lot of money, and we created a fair and honest divorce that worked for both of us. We held a context that resulted in a successful co-parenting relationship. It is now 20 years later, we have mutual respect and friendship, and our children are adults. My former wife is remarried, I am in a new relationship.

Over the years, we have cheered each other on and have attended many 'extended family' events. It is not awkward. We grew up in our own ways. We did not know what we did not know. I can honestly say, my ex is someone I trust; she trusted me, and I trusted her when neither of us had any reason to. We helped each other during times of crisis even after we divorced.

I know that is not possible in all situations. I mention it because sometimes knowing it is possible can make it possible.

Our context was not about our legal 'rights.' Life is more dynamic and interesting than that. I gave up things I was legally 'entitled' to. The context I created and adopted is one that I have taught and shared, which is a simple one.

Create a process based on ensuring that both people succeed moving forward. Simple. It wasn't about winning or 'rights.' It was about doing what was right by everyone. What transpired between us changed depending on what was happening between us while we were raising our children. We did not need a judge's approval or any court dates. We adapted to our lives. We took care of each other, even when it was not 'required' or even 'expected.'

Thinking back, what the guiding principle was 'The Golden Rule'; 'Do onto others as you would have others do onto you.' We had our reasons to blame each other for certain things. We had reasons to blame ourselves. My sense? In time we realized we did not know what we did not know. We were both human beings being human beings. Add ignorance, and wrong information, and adverse childhood experiences, and we were clueless adults doing the best we knew how.

I can still point to a critical event in that relationship that destroyed my 'willingness.' But, it was not my wife's fault. For years, I held onto that event until I was able to understand and accept her humanity, as well as my own. As I write this, I am 55 years old. It was not until I was about age 46 years old before I was mentally, emotionally, spiritually, and had enough life experience to be an 'excellent' partner.

You don't know any of that when you are 10, 14, 16, 19, 22, 26, 33, etc. We are taught many things, many beliefs, and we for many rules and things that are not real. Often we do not have boundaries that we should have, or we have limits that are illusions. We live within our primal responses because we have never been taught the skills of relationship or communication.

We do not know what we do not understand until it is too late; we gain wisdom through loss, pain, and failure. We often pay a dreadful price for our wisdom.


ADDENDUM - THOUGHT

5 - Can My Relationship Be Saved?


Yes! No! Maybe! - if you are both 'willing,' the answer is yes. Willing means a lot of things.


Willing to learn new skills. Willing to own what belongs to you and heal the harm you may have caused, regardless of intentions. Willing to accept and forgive the humanity of the other, and yourself. Willing to establish and respect new boundaries. Willing to heal the wounds of childhood. Willing to seek professional help and counsel. Willing to humble yourself and be vulnerable. Willing to make it safe for the truth to be known in your relationship and family.

All of that and more - RECIPROCATED; meaning, our partner is willing too. If only one of you is 'willing,' no, it will not work out, in my opinion. It will limp along and end in disaster. Hiring a 'non-religious' professional relationship assessment may not be a bad idea, along with a psychological profile of yourself and your partner.

If one of you is a narcissist or sociopath, or both, or other. That is part of the 'willingness' that needs to be faced and addressed. Don't rush 'willingness' and 'reciprocation.' Learn NVC, non-violent communication skills.

Perhaps a relationship counselor that is 'Gottman Method' relationship therapy, or similar based on actual research data of 'happy and successful' relationships, NOT religious theories or commands. Why?

Following religious relationship directives/rules/laws written by long-dead old men from thousands of years ago, when women were often viewed as property, could be at least indirectly part of the problems you are experiencing. Sorry, guys. I can't condone you having a 'God orders you to...' crap over your wife in anything I write about.

Statistically speaking, the best of the best religious 1st marriage has a 51 to 52% failure rate in America. Nothing has changed statistically in my 55 years of life and living. Be 'willing' to look at other things with better data, and proven track records for working...at least in your marriage.

If there are kids, and they are not being abused, yes, it is worth going the extra mile. If there are no kids, you both have to ask yourself, is it worth the effort? I do not know. Individual and couples counseling is perhaps an excellent investment regardless of the eventual outcome.

Almost all of us are messed up coming out of our childhood for many reasons. The odds of our meeting someone who is not 'messed up'; in some way is very, very slim. There is no lack of finding love or sexual partners in the world.

The 'lack' is in finding successful and happy relationships. The one you are in could become that relationship, or could at least be a powerful and helpful stepping stone. Regardless, your next steps are and should be about helping you to 'be' or become, the healthy man, or woman you need to be who is ready.

You know, ready for that other person who has taken the time, and like you have invested in themselves. They became prepared to 'be,' so the two of you can find, create, and thrive in enjoying that elusive relationship everyone else is seeking...but unwilling to invest in themselves.

I hope this outline of insights and information is of value.



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DISCLOSURE

The Link to the Legal Training is an Affiliate Link, which means if you use it to buy the training, I make a commission from your purchase if you use that link. Hosting a website and things have monthly costs. These commissions and various donations help cover those costs.

https://teamdand.com/winincourt


Someday, there may be a budget to reach more people with this kind of self-help information.

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