It Begins, October 28, 2019, Personal Log Entry 1
Don't read this Drivel.
I am tempted to say 'Hello World' - the first line of code most computer programmers begin with.
Fuck - Life is AMAZING, FUCK - Life sucks!
Maybe that is a better title. I don't mind that word, we all use it, and it conveys the intention accurately with some amusement.
This is my personal log, stardate XXXX; I sit here at a coffee shop frustrated as hell with life and living while at the same time being grateful too.
I do not even know if I am satisfied with the pen name POTU David. Hold on, I need to check my Diabetes numbers - ah, it is coming down, not in the green zone yet, pondering fasting. That is a whole topic I'll write about once I win that battle.
The world is nuts right now. The US is a mess, and here I am thinking, yet again at age fifty fucking five, that I could maybe make a difference.
My beloved Diana, OMG, my most magnificent life blessing so far, believes in me. She's working right now. It is Monday, which is my 'Sunday.' I finally decided on a pen name. I've been agonizing over that for several months now.
Need an excuse NOT to do what you should be doing? Hire me, I'll get you hooked up so fast you'll be busy getting absolutely nothing that matters done! Humor, or is it a simple fact I must face.
I have 'laundry' on my todo list. One of my last pleasures in life is 'eating.' What does my Doctor text me about yesterday? An unedited professional symposium about low carb diets, most specifically 'Fasting'! Usually, on Monday, I explore some new kind of keto yumminess to share when Diana gets home around 10:30 pm. We'll see how today goes. I am going to explore a three day (liquid) type fast. I'm not going to give up coffee or celery juice for this little test. I've got an appointment to debrief with my Doctor on Friday.
My kids (youngest 21), and I are 'estranged,' I'll write about all of that someday. It has inspired a writing project 'Letter to Warlocks - suggestions for healing yourself, and your victims,' something like that.
Writing perhaps is my recurring latest 'scheme' my daughter would judge me over. I can't blame her, or any of them; I just can not live in the shadow of their opinions and judgments. I can not blame any of them. I love my kids.
I was born and raised in a way that did not prepare me for 'real life.' To overcome that deficiency, I ended up having to read a lot and adapt to other people's perspectives. Most of my heroes (if I had any heroes) were all narcissists. I was a go-getter, and I was not going to let anything stand in my way of success. That can be effective, but it does not lead to a happy nor honorable life.
Grammarly is driving me nuts as I write this. It doesn't interface with my chosen blogging platform, which is ok. I'll write here, hope my browser doesn't collapse and lose my work. Having to remember to save my work, then copy/paste it to Grammarly, clean it up, then bring it back here - what a pain in the ass!
I am successfully procrastinating, and you are my accomplice. I have made so many life mistakes in all areas of life. I have a whole library of self-help insights to share.
One of the hardest lessons is to stop making decisions polarized to helping other people in your life. Bam, most people live for their kids, or business, or career, or spouse. If you want to experience freedom and happiness, you may just have to say 'fuck you' to all of that. Having said that, don't do that unless you've fucked up life and relationships so much that any of those things are 'toxic' to you.
Me? I've got a career in IT, and that has been a blessing that began just over 5 years ago. Five years ago, on November 22, I had a car accident that changed my life in ways of which I am still dealing with impairments that are more annoying than disruptive at this point. Three years ago, my life path was disrupted heartbreakingly on October 31, 2016, and I found out about on November 1st or 2nd? It is a kind of hazy. I survived and rebooted my life in 90 days because I refused to die, refused to quit, and grunted my way forward in life.
To be honest, that was the most painful experience I've ever had, but it wasn't my first rodeo. I, however, had my hopes and dreams tied to my spiritual practices, and I was convinced I had finally gotten things right. I spent 3 years prior 'working on me' first.
That is the term I began to teach others. Regardless of my whining, the shit I've put up with in life is nothing, and I do mean NOTHING compared to how most people live day today.
Your life and shit are yours, mine is mine, and oddly - we all cycle through similar stuff.
It is almost 5 pm, I can finish my coffee, go home, do laundry and maybe work some more on my writing. I really do not like editing things I write. I enjoy writing, then I am done. Sorta like my dog MIA, may she rest in peace, a beautiful part wolf and part husky that would take a shit and never look back. Something I think I am taking a shit, and I never look back. Welcome to Social Media!
Then, I will cross paths with some dear soul, a human being struggling with something. Within my life toolbox of experiences, I pull out an idea or two that almost always transforms people's lives.
It's October 28 - and some people who are sensitive to spiritual energy go nuts this time of year. Why the hell have I published my personal Samhain Ritual? Better question why am I not practicing it? The answer is I am still reclaiming; I am still healing, and I can put on an excellent front that all is fine, when in fact, I am still a work in progress.
DRAMA, DRAMA, DRAMA - that, however, is what is different. I realized that I have been solving problems and immersed it 'drama' since perhaps about the age of 6. I've been swinging at the curveballs of life ever since. January 2017, I met Diana, a fellow traveler that also did not wish to have a life of drama moving forward.
I'm living proof that you can lose everything, learn and 'fall forward,' grow change, and become a better human being in the process. There are people in this life that would disagree with me, and I gave up listing to their trying to pigeon hole me into something to serve their own perspectives. I've learned that human beings will actually remember things to their own advantage and purposes - automatically and who then can pass a polygraphy defending their point of view, even if you can totally prove them wrong. Doubt that, then you've been hiding in a cave since 2016 around US politics, and I just won't go there right now while I am writing this.
What else can I share about this 'starting point.' Six weeks ago I started using an X3 strength training device, however, I skipped most of last week (week 5), after a negative phone conversation with a friend who fast is becoming not a friend and our friendship is being strangled. I do not give up on my friends lightly. It just is an impossible situation that I will probably write about for publication under an anonymous pen name. Our civilized world is ignoring some things which are perpetuating harm, and nobody dares write about it. I'll dare one of these days.
I usually 'attack and counter-attack' to destroy and perceived 'enemies' or threats. True Donald Trump-style as per his advice in the book 'Art of the Comeback' - hit back, 10x harder, destroy your enemies, so they know not to be your enemy and as a warning to any future would-be enemies!
My reptilian brain LOVES THAT!! OoohFuckingRahhhhh, but it is a shitty way to live, does not create a better world, violates 'The Golden Rule,' and is a narcissistic and sociopathic way of dealing with life.
I'm tempted to 'be' that again in life. My late friend, Ron M, once pulled me aside and said, 'David, it's like you have this big, and I do mean BIG GUN, locked and loaded ready to blow away anyone at any time if you perceive them as a threat or if they hurt you?
He was right. I miss that old fucker. Fuck, fuck, fuck, cancer. Odd, I was the only person who 'wrote' a tribute on his memorial website page. WTF was up with that; this is a man who quietly touched many people's lives. Yes, it is easy to judge; a bunch of assholes. (Referring to men.), they gathered to remember him I was working, and I was a prick not to take a vacation day to honor the life of a man who's wise counsel touched my life in good ways. FUCK, I'm the prick I accuse others of being.
(Laugh) - My mind is free-flowing a lot of stuff; most of it is all over the map. This is where I am at right now. I use to be able to choose a topic, stay focused on getting things done. I am clearly still reclaiming that skill. (Deep Breath).
Letting go of people you love, no matter what the reason, simply hurts and leaves us feeling broken. If we are honest, and usually we are not, that is another universal truth for all of us.
What did I accomplish today?
My blood sugar is finally in the green zone, but will it go too low as part of the fasting process? Will it put me into a coma in my sleep, whereby I don't wake up tomorrow morning (a diabetic's daily(hourly) dance with death?
I registered a new domain name www.potudavid.com
I created a new FB Fan page. \potudavid
I moved my 'premium' subscription from an abandoned project to this new project
With a little luck, I will get laundry done!
I also have a writing class/assignment I should do today, maybe I'll do that next after I publish this mess
I think I helped a lovely relative of Diana's take a step towards better understanding this time of year and how it impacts her; time will tell.
I have a 'Warlock' active in my life and have spent perhaps the last 60 days NOT retaliating in many ways I could have. It is a new approach for me. My hero Donald Trump has revealed himself to be someone I have lost all respect for. We share the same birthday, I believe he is 20 years older than I am. I would have thought by now he would be a better human being. What bothers me is I can see how I could have become him in many ways. I am very thankful that I am not.
Ok, my inspiration for this first personal log is coming to an end. I think the message here is 'be willing.' It doesn't matter if you are an asshole, criminal, warlock, sinner, or just plain bad/icky human being. Who do you want to be tomorrow? Don't let yesterday define you.
You define you. Wearing an 'ankle bracelet/tracker'? Are you a registered sex-offender; do some research and discover that perhaps you were subject to surviving a lot of deep shit as a human being, especially growing up. Robber? Con-artist? Killer? Other? - if you do some research, you will discover there really isn't anything special about your 'evil' or 'wrongdoing' or sins.
Most human beings live in fear of their sins becoming known. Look at what is happening with famous people with wealth and or power in 2019? GASP; you are a human being. If you are reading this that means it is time you take charge and decide to take control who you are and define yourself as who you are going to be starting NOW (fuck tomorrow, tomorrow doesn't exist - DO IT NOW!) - lesson learned, mission accomplished, you owe me 20% of how much money you make or save now.
(A tip) - Just kidding, sorta. At some point, I do need to create a way for people to show financial appreciation for what I am doing as an author.
I'm honoring a commitment to my late friend Dove who ordered me to publish my stuff. She was cheering me on for nearly 20 years, but brain cancer came and took her. (CANCER FUCKING SUCKS), she was one of the good ones.
I'll never forget how she was admiring clouds on a spring day; I'm like (yea, clouds, so what) - no, I didn't say that out loud, but her appreciation for things I was taking for granted is a lesson I learned that day.
My life isn't perfect, and yet it is the ideal starting place because it is what and where I am right here, right now. That is a harsh lesson. Right now is the right time.
I have to trust that '4 - All has Divine Purpose', and I am honoring my inspiration and joy by writing this. Perhaps I will hire a digital PA to come in and clean up my writing for me. I wonder how much that would cost me? I don't know. I did spend over a thousand dollars for a person I knew and trusted to take a course on being a PA, and I paid them thousands of dollars and nothing that needed to get done, got done.
One of my many life lessons and a person I have to let go of for many reasons. Letting go has never been a strength, and yet, that is the OJT the Universe has had on my agenda for the last 3+ years.
My truth is, I have no idea where any of this is going to go. I have to trust that it has a purpose.
My butt is sore from sitting on this hard chair for a few hours, it is almost 6 pm, and I feel another dump coming on), I know, TMI. I'll end with that image, a guy, imperfect, taking a shit at a coffee shop before going home (laugh.
Diana just called, inquiring if I was eating or fasting tonight. I'm undecided. Then I noticed my power on Mac Air was at 1%!!! Meaning I almost lost this entire blog post. This means, that clearly it was meant to be created, saved, and shared. Plugged in now! I think I need to find a setting that pops-up and warns me at say the 5% mark. Goodie, another thing to figure as part of the process of getting things done today.
Now to figure out a couple of things to create for publication. I have a shit load of stuff I've worked on over the last 20 years. I've spent most of last month sorting and consolidating that data to one location. Dam, this Mac Air charges fast, now up to 5%. Nice!
I bought a training program for 'Scrivener' as a distraction to learn how to use better something I know the basics of; and I signed up for a free creative writing course on another platform for writers that is an eight-week course that takes about 10 minutes of inspiration plus a 10-minute assignment. Maybe I'll let that pass until tomorrow, something I can do on my break at my 'day job.'
Many points embedded in this little post. I think one of the biggest things I have learned over the last 20 years is that you can re-invent yourself as often as you need to. Don't let anyone pigeon hole you to the past. Even if you've done bad things, you've probably done many more good things.
People who are victims/survivors - are not always victims of anything other than their own choices and decisions. Know this, anyone on a real healing path eventually has to create a 'new' story whereby they can take responsibility for things that happened. It doesn't have to be a true story, but it needs to be one that serves them in terms of healing and self-empowerment moving forward.
I've had insights around that for many decades and have helped victims of some really evil and violent shit. I've seen those events define people until they rewrite their victim stories beyond just being a survivor. I've seen people lost to being a perpetual victim, and even if righteously so they never get past being a victim, it is really, really sad.
I've witnessed people wanting to 'belong' so bad to say the #metoo club they will re-imagine life experiences to harm themselves so they can join the movement. To me, this disrespects those who are/were actual victims against their will kind of thing. Not a popular point of view because it throws doubt into the #believeher movement, both of which I support - but I would challenge them all with 'now what?' Those movements are figuring that out.
I could be part of many movements. Still, I've, for some reason, never let an adverse childhood experience define me, influence perhaps, but when I learn and grow forward, I don't live there. I have a #metoo story or two, but really, none of that matters other than to trap me into things that transpired that are meaningless to me in the present unless I choose to embrace them and allow them to be present in my life.
I do understand the events that transpired, and I think that is all I really needed. Sometimes we are just victims to shit that shows up in our life. I'm thinking of an act of violence the night before my USMC graduation; that I should never have had to have dealt with, but I did, and that was then, and that was that. I could have reported the crime and destroyed a fellow Marine's career, but to what end? I'm not saying we don't report a crime. Still, truly law is a tool of the wealthy and powerful to use against the ordinary person.
Some pathological criminals need to be locked up to prevent them from harming others; I see some in 'power' right now that are above the law. I suspect 90% of people 'in-jail' do not really belong there or are being unjustly punished for being human beings doing human things for which they simply dealt with 'structural violence' and made a wrong decision or two.
My perspective, I guess, has changed over the decades as I have lived more and more life.
Today, I am best selling (ok, soon to be), Best Selling Author: POTU David who will introduce to the world the life navigational spiritual insights that have served him so well over the last nearly 20 years and have helped many people from around the world!
Oops, I forgot to mention, Diana won the Powerball from Saturday night! - Just the Powerball, not the 5 numbers along with it. It is a start! Effortless $16 (laugh).
Power is up to 15%, it is time for me to go do laundry, and I am procrastinating against that.
Self-acceptance - perhaps that is the summary of this post.
Namaste' and Brightest of Blessings and all the good greetings of hello and goodbye to you.
- POTU David, Author
Ok, I lied, I ran it through the editor. It is much better to just dump then have the AI help you fix it vs. having the AI drive you nuts while you try to write. It took about 20 minutes to edit this post from 131 errors down to 5.
I know some stuff is screwed up, and some sentances do not make sense or are hard to read. It is 'good enough,' and that allowing of imperfection is another skill I am developing!